I often find myself wishing that I could be a stay at home wife. I've always been "that" girl....I love being home. I like decorating for holidays, and making meals, and running errands. But the responsible side of me knows that I have to work. I wasn't born into a family with money, and I didn't marry a man who has a lot of money, therefore in order for us to live the life we want, I have to work.
But my ideal day is spend working on my home, instead of working at a business. While I enjoy my days off with Cody, I like my days when it's just me. I wake up around 9, make breakfast, start the laundry. Do any dishes from the night before that I was too lazy to do. I go to the gym, run any errands. I can make lunch, clean the house a bit, and then figure out what to make for dinner. I've gotten lazy at it, but when I was working 5am-1pm, I'd have the whole evening to make a real dinner, and sometimes dessert. We ate so good back then - not always the healthiest, but we had good food, and I had the opportunity to try out a lot of different recipes. I love the days that I can take care of my home, and my husband.
We've decided to put off having kids. It really breaks my heart more than I care to admit, because as much as I want to be a stay at home wife, I really want to be a stay at home mom. Being a mom is one of those things I was made to do. But as I have already discussed, I have to work, and so does Cody. That leaves a very small window of free time during the day, which is already filled with errands, a house, and my gorgeous puppy. That is not enough time for a baby.
The thought of having a day care raise my child is very unnerving. The thought of having to work the long hours that I work now, and Cody working the hours he works, and missing out on some important things in my childs life (first steps, first words) or missing out on when my child goes to bed at night, or wakes up in the morning, all because I have to work, just seems ridiculous to me.
So, we're going to wait.
I wish I knew what path God was trying to lead me on. Back in February, I thought I had everything planned out. I was going to run my butt off for the next year, and run the Princess Half Marathon. I was going to get into shape, and get under 200lbs, and begin trying to get pregnant after the race. By 2014, I was going to be a mom. And all of those plans are not unfolding for me the way I wanted them to. I guess I just need to continue on and learn what His plan is along the way.
I wish I could be a stay at home mom too but there is no way I could. But my desire to have a child of my own was so bad. I only wanted one (my husband has 3 girls from a previous marriage). I wanted to try to give him a son, which we were successful in making. I actually found an amazing woman to watch Noah during the day while we work. I have no regrets at sending him to "day care", even though I hate it some days. On my days off I make sure that I spend and do as much with Noah as possible. And Im the one who gets up with him in the mornings and puts him to bed at night. I also make sure that I am never gone more than 1 hour when I have to go someplace else to run. If we are at my grandparents Im only out for 30-35 minutes. I still have a desire to be a SAHM though.
ReplyDeleteOh Karen, I really feel for you! This is hard stuff you are sorting through and I know that God has a plan in it all... it's just hard to see. Hang in there - praying!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel regarding wanting to be a SAHM but needing to work to keep a comfortable lifestyle. I'm in the same boat and it sucks. Daycare makes me nervous and I also don't like the idea of daycare raising my children. I just have to hope that we can find a really great daycare provider and then try to spend as much time with my children outside of work. So many other people make it work so I know I (and you!) can, to.
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