Motivation.

I've been feeling really down lately.  There's so much going on in my life that I don't feel in control of anymore.  Between my husbands schedule changing at work (causing us to not see each other as much), my job (which is getting worse, but I can't seem to find a job that pays decent, and uses my degree), and my friends (who, since we've gotten married, have seem to dwindle away, because my life doesn't revolve around alcohol anymore), I'm just feeling very lonely and unhappy.  I love my husband; he's not the issue. He's one of the only good things in my life.  If I didn't have him, I don't know what I would do.  It's every other aspect of my life that I feel stuck on.  I wish that we had the money to not have to worry week to week how the bills will get paid.  I wish that I could wake up every morning, excited to go to work.  I wish that I worked the same schedule as my husband so that I'd be able to see him more.  I wish I had friends that want to be friends with me, and not just the bottle.  I spend a lot of my time by myself, and most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately I've been finding the loneliness making it's way into my mind.

All of this has been affecting my motivation.  I was so motivated last week.  I was absolutely determined to make it to the gym every other day, and complete the C25K in 8 weeks.  I wanted it more than anything.  And then I became that emotional eater/lazy person/whatever, and now it's been 4 days since I've been to the gym. I've eaten fast food twice, and I'm not motivated what so ever.  I know that I'll find myself motivated again, I just need to find the tools to get through these moments.

Don't think that I'm going to let this beat me.  I won't.  I have let it beat me for the last 27 years.  It needs to stop, or I'm gonna find myself with a much shorter life than I want.  I'll get over this, and I'll be even more motivated.

Wasn't feeling it yesterday.

Generally, each week, my weekend is on Monday and Tuesday.  Those are the days that my husband has off, and since we work basically completely opposite schedules, I take Mondays and Tuesdays off as well, in order to spend any time with him.  So, Wednesdays are my Mondays.  It's always hard to go back to work after spending two days hanging out with my husband, going out to eat and relaxing.   So yesterday, it was back to work at 6am.  I hate my job (as I think I've stated before) so that makes it even harder to get up and go to work each morning.  Yesterday was a particularly bad day at work, so when I got home, all I wanted to do was eat my weight in ice cream and take a nap.

My husband is working a new schedule (he used to work from 10am until about 9pm, with a break at about 2:30 until 4), but now his boss has him working from about 3pm until close, which is at 11pm.  So our time together during the week is very limited.  He was home when I got home from work yesterday, so we hung out for a little bit.  When he left, I just wanted to sleep.  At that point I had talked myself out of going to the gym (my regular gym day would be today, but I'm working a weird schedule today, and thought it'd be best to skip today and go yesterday, but since I was in a terrible mood because of work, the gym was the last thing on my mind).  I slept for about an hour and a half, and after I woke up, I decided to talk myself back into going to the gym.  It took me about a half an hour, but finally I was dressed and ready to go. 

I knew I wasn't gonna spend all night at the gym, so I was just gonna do my C25K run and go home.  My original plan had been to do another day of Week 1, but once I got there, I decided to push myself and start week 2.  Week 2 consists of running for 90 seconds, and walking for 2 minutes.  And let me tell you, running for 90 seconds is NOT easy.  It made the 60 seconds that I was previously running seem easy though!  I was proud that I had decided to push myself, and that I made myself go to the gym.  I'm gonna enjoy a day off from the gym today, and push myself hard again tomorrow. 

Week 1 of C25K - done.

I am all finished with week 1! yay me!

I have decided, however, that I'm gonna do at least one more day of week one.  While it's a tiny bit easier, it's still difficult and I'd like to wait until I'm more comfortable with running for 60 seconds before I begin my 90 second runs.  My cousin suggested that I run the 5K in may with her for Girls on the Run.  So I'm hoping to make that my goal.  I hope by April, I'll be able to run 5k on the treadmill and start working on running it outside.  I've heard SO much that it's harder to run outside than it is on the treadmill.  Because on the treadmill, every step is the same.  Outside, the ground is so uneven that each step is different.  So hopefully by may, I'll be ready to kick some 5k butt!

My husband and I have had the last 2 days off together.  It was nice yesterday to spend the day just hanging out at home with him.  We're pretty busy people, and we like to do as much as we can on our days off.  So it was relaxing to just hang out at home with our puppy.  Today, we are hanging out at home for a bit today (I went to the gym this morning and got that out of the way), before we are meeting up with my brother in law and sister in law for dinner and a hockey game.  This will be husbands first hockey game of the season, so we're both pretty excited. :)  I'm saving some calories for a beer at the game, too! :)

My legs are jello.

So despite the fact that I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and had to wake up at 4am and work 8 hours, I decided that there was no excuse for me not to go to the gym after work.  I brought my gym clothes with me to work and changed there, so I really had no reason to go home.  I knew that if I went home, I would find a reason to stay there, and not go to the gym.  I really was determined to get a good workout in today. 

I had a pretty high calorie breakfast this morning.  I read on the blog Runs for Cookies a few different ways to eat oatmeal.  So this morning, I made a chocolate peanut butter cold oatmeal.  I took a 1/2 cup of quick oats, 1/2 cup of almond milk (my new favorite!), a Tablespoon of peanut butter, about a Tablespoon of Cocoa powder, and a packet of splenda. I mixed it up and let it sit in the fridge overnight.  When I tasted it last night, it tasted just like a no-bake cookie.  This morning, however, it tasted a little too bitter for my liking....I think I put too much cocoa powder in.  It was around 400 calories, so I was already starting the day high. 

I also made sure to log everything for this morning last night, so there would be no last minute guessing of what I was gonna eat at work when I'm trying to pack things up at 4am.  It made things much easier, and I knew how many calories I was gonna eat before I went to the gym. 

So at the gym today, I decided that I was gonna attempt the first day of C25K.  I was so positive that there was no way I'd get through it.  I don't run. Like, at all.  I don't think I could run down the block if I had to.  So I was nervous about starting this thing.  But I'm determined to get through the whole program, ad there is no way I'm gonna get through it if I don't start.  So, I started.

And I did it. 

I was exhausted, my legs felt like they were no longer part of my body, I didn't know how I was gonna walk for the rest of the day.  But I did it.  Now, I know it's lame that I'm so proud of this.  The first day consists of running for 60 seconds, and walking for 90 seconds, for a total of 20 minutes.  But that's more than I think I've ever run.  I wanted to stop, but I didn't.  And I finished it.  I then went on to do some weights (worked my arms today) and then did 10 minutes on the elliptical. 

Now, about 6 hours later, and I am still exhausted.  I had to take a nap (since 4 hours of sleep is really not enough to go the entire day on) and I woke up, and I almost feel sick.  My stomach was a bit upset, and every muscle in my body hurts.  Depending on how I feel tomorrow, I may go again tomorrow, or I'll just wait till Sunday, since I have been basically going every other day.  I decided my weigh-in day will be Monday.  I'm hoping I will lose at least 2 lbs.  Just enough to make myself feel like I'm doing something right.  Monday is also like my Saturday, so that'll give me plenty of time to work off any extra calories I consume during my weekend. :)

My husband is so talented.

Last night was the Beer vs. Wine dinner at my husbands restaurant.  He wrote the menu, prepared and cooked all the food himself.  There was a good turnout, and everyone LOVED the food.  I am so proud of him, I love when I get to see him truly in his element. :)  I for sure ate way over my calories for the day, but it was sooo worth it! 

First Course - Smoked Gouda Mac and Cheese

Second Course - Sea Scallop

Third Course - Apple BBQ Beef Brisket

Dessert - Creme Brulee Cheese Cake

Everything was so good, and I can't wait until he does another one!!

Today was a terrible day at work.  I'm way too old to be dealing with high school drama.  When you dread waking up (aside from the fact that I wake up at 4am to go to work!) because you'd rather do almost anything than spend 8 hours at work, it's time for a new job.  I had every intention on going out and searching for jobs today, but the weather got nasty and I didn't wanna be driving all over town.  I will, however, be going out on Monday.  I almost don't care what I do, as long as it's not what I'm doing now!

I am an embarassment.....

So, I am beginning to hit the gym again.  Now, I really don't hate the gym. I admit, it is hard to get going, but I don't hate being there once I'm there.  I find it nice to be able to listen to my music, and get some time to think.  So today is my second day going to the gym, and I think the gym was getting back at me for not going. 

When I first got there, I realized that I had forgotten my keycard.  I had to talk to the lady about why I was there without it, and then they couldn't find me in the system.  The reason they couldn't find me is because my name is changed.  After having to show her my new license and her looking into it a bit more, they finally found me. 

So, I take my ipod, my water, and myself to the treadmill.  I start walking, listening to my ipod, and life is good.  I try turning the volume up after about 15 minutes, before realizing that my ipod is not only playing music through my headphones, but also through the speaker in the back.  So, the entire gym was hearing what I was listening to.  Normally I'd say "great, they get to hear good music!".  Nooooot this time.  My playlist included the musical geniuses of Willow Smith, Nick Carter, and other just as embarassing artists.  I'm sure everyone in the gym thinks I have the taste of a 13 year old.

So, once I figured out my ipod issue, I decide to move over to the elliptical.  Elliptical is going great, until I take a drink of water. I squeeze my water bottle, and next thing I know, I have water all down the front of my shirt.  Perfect.  Not only am I a 13 year old girl with bad musical tastes, now I am the fat girl in the wet tshirt contest.

I tried to fix my water bottle, because at this point I'm sweating like a pig and I need some H20.  Because I stopped paying attention to what I was doing, and instead was trying to fix my water bottle, I FELL OFF THE ELLIPTICAL.

SERIOUSLY?!

I got back on, with a major ego bruise, and finished my workout.  I think that today, I was not meant to work out.

In better news, tonight my husband is putting on a Wine Dinner at his restaurant.  It's actually a Wine vs. Beer dinner.  I am SO proud of him.  I am proud of what he does every day, because I have heard nothing but amazing things about his cooking, and how he runs the restaurant, but I get a big boost of pride when I see him put on a big dinner like this, showing off his skills beyond the set menu that the restaurant has.  There are 50 people signed up for tonight, which is more than he has had at a wine dinner since he left his other job years ago.  He's incredibly nervous, but I have so much faith in him, it's ridiculous.  I will post pictures of all his delicious food tomorrow.  :)

Changing my life.

I've decided to use this outlet as a way to talk about my weight loss journey.  I am in desperate need to make a healthier life for my husband, myself, and our future kids.

We have been members of our gym since July, and I think we have gone, maybe, 3 times?  I went yesterday and I forgot how much fun I have.  I mean, it's not FUN, but it's not as bad as I always think it will be. I actually WANT to go today.  I can't convince my husband to go yet, but we will go hopefully later tonight!

Food for the day, well, not great. I need to go grocery shopping.  We went out to eat and I had a delicious salad, but I also had wings. 

One step at a time, right?

I'm using myfitnesspal.  Feel free to add me - kwrecks :)

LETS DO THIS!

Money Woes.

This past June, I finished my program at school, and I now officially have a Bachelors Degree in Food and Beverage Management.  I had always assumed that after graduation, I would really have no problem finding a job.  Now, I find myself working at a job I am not fond of, making minimum wage, and I need to get out. 

Let me pause by stating that Cody, because of his job and the people that he works for, he knows someone at just about every independent restaurant in the area, and most of the corporate restaurants, and he doesn't really have nice things to say about 90% of them.  Because of this, everytime I suggest applying somewhere, he says "no, the people that own that place are douche bags" or "ehh, that place is kind of shady".  This makes it particularly hard to find a job.

I recently had the opportunity to return to my job at the golf club.  I loved my job, but hated the people I worked for.  I left with another opportunity on my place, but that didn't work out, and now here I am, at Tim Hortons, and I am ready to get the f*ck out.  I just wish Cody and I could open a place together!

Last night was Cody's work party.  We had so much fun, I am so glad I went.  I met a lot of his employees that I hadn't met before, and got to hang out with a lot of the girls that I really like.  Woke up with a bit of a headache this morning, but it was still fun. :) 

We spent the early part of the day with Cody's brother.  We went to lunch and then just hung out at Ryan's house.  After that, we came home, and decided to take Remy to the dog park.  I like to take her there, because it gives her the chance to run out some of her energy.  We went a few days ago, and all the other dogs there were so much bigger than her, she was a bit intimidated.  Today, there was a small, 13 week old puppy there that she had a great time running around and playing with.  I would like to continue taking her while the weather is still nice.  She's so tired afterwards, it's a great thing!

2012.

2012.

Can you believe it's 2012 already?  I'm one of those people who believes that 1999 was just a couple of years ago.  Then I realize that this year marks the 10 year anniversary of my High School graduation, and it makes me feel SO OLD.  I'm going to be 28 this year.  When did that happen?  I sure as hell don't feel that old.  Not that 28 is old, but I still feel the same as I did when I was 18.

But when I really step back and take a look at my life, it is nothing like it was when I was 18.  2012 brings me a life which I have never known - life as a wife.  Being married hasn't changed me much, to be honest.  Cody and I "moved in together" a little over a year ago.  I was used to all of his habits, good and bad, long before the wedding.  I'm glad we did it that way, too. I always thought that I would do what my parents hoped I would do, and wait until I was married to move in with a boy.  If I had waited, I don't know that I would have been able to adjust to the life as a wife as easy as I was able to.

But here I am, almost 28 years old, and a wife.  My life isn't just about me anymore.  It's about my husband, too.  I can't make decisions like I used to, because it will effect Cody, too.

It makes me feel happy, and secure to know that I have a partner in my life, who will be there for me, and share every experience with me, for the rest of my life. <3