Struggles.

I don't know if anyone else here has the same types of struggles that I do, but I have been thinking a lot lately about why I am having a hard time staying motivated, and to continue my path to being healthy.  I hate using that term, "being healthy", because in all actuality, I am healthy.  I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have issues with my blood sugar, or anything.  I have a body that is completely healthy, except for the fact that there is way too much fat on my bones.  I have always told myself that, because I am healthy, my body must not mind having the fat on it. It must be comfortable being this size, and I could continue the way I am.  I know that eventually, it will catch up to me.  Heart disease runs in both sides of my family, and I know that it will show up in my life one day.  Because that is a terrifying thought, that's why I am doing what I am doing.

But once again, why am I finding it so hard to keep motivated?  And then it dawned on me.

I like to eat.
I like eating pizza for breakfast.
I like eating entire boxes of Mac and Cheese.
I like Appetizers, Entrees, and Desserts at restaurants.
I like to eat big, buttery buckets of popcorn.
I like Diet Coke.
I like eating chips, even if it's the whole bag, while watching tv.
I like eating, what I want, when I want, without thinking of the calories, or how it's going to screw up the rest of my day.
I like looking at a restaurant menu like it's my own personal wish list, and getting to order anything that I want.
 I like being able to go down every aisle at the grocery store, without worry that I'll buy something that will lead to a binge.  Because I really don't mind binges. I like to "snack".

It's these things that are making it difficult for me to stay motivated.  But there are also a lot of things that I don't like.

I don't like the way I look.
I don't like feeling weighed down all the time.
I don't like that I have to hold my breath to tie my shoes.
I don't like that I can't cross my legs at the movie theater.
I don't like that I always feel like my husband wishes I was just a bit prettier/skinnier/sexier, even though he constantly tells me that I'm all those things.
I  don't like feeling judged by my family, friends, and strangers.
I don't like going shopping, unless it's for perfume or jewelery - things that don't require a size.
I don't like going shopping because it means hoping and praying that the largest size will fit me.
I don't like going to the mall, because there's only one or two stores that I can actually shop at.
I don't like getting dressed in the morning, because it is a constant battle of finding something that fits AND looks good.
I don't like constantly feeling like I am not as good as other people, only because I am double their size.
I don't like feeling trapped in my body.

I have to figure out a way to continue to do the things I like, while fixing the things I don't.  I really think that eventually, I will be able to ignore my "like" of binging, or large amounts of food, and crave the good things. I want my mind to ignore the want to binge, and instead go to the gym.

I'll get there, eventually.  But it will be a struggle the whole way.